Agony Jim: A Question of Quality

July 12, 2016 / Humour

By Jim Watkins

Veteran producer and sage cum digital native Jim Watkins solves your advertising conundra.
This edition: The transcendental joys to be found in quality management certification.

Dear Jim,

I was asked this question by a client as part of our engagement, and, though, answering the second part took several months, it took myself and my organisation on a journey deep inside ourselves. I thought I would share its thought provoking content with your readers.

“Does your organisation hold a recognised quality management certification for example BS/EN/ISO 9000 or equivalent?”

“If you do not have a quality certification or a quality management system, please explain why”

Hubert Von Achtsneunzehn


Dear Hubert,

There comes a time in all our lives where we must face the issue of whether we hold a recognised quality management certification for example BS/EN/ISO 9000 or equivalent.

I myself have held such a certification since 1928, when, as a young man, I was one of the first (alongside Bertrand Russell and JM Keynes) to attend a box ticking session organised by a faceless management organisation somewhere in the Midlands. It may have been Daventry, though at the time I was experimenting with early hallucinogenics.

What JM, Bertie and I understood, was that it is unfair to expect anyone - a client, a friend, a passer by - to engage with another individual or organisation on any level without being assured that someone else whom they have no detailed understanding of or particular reason to trust, has first given that individual or organisation a complicated sounding stamp of approval.

The certification itself, particularly the much revered BS 9000 (a lithe, sleek reimagining of the trusty old BS 8000), mitigates against unfortunate and eminently preventable instances of clients being held to account for their own decisions.

Should anything go wrong, the certificate activates a 'magic gas', which obliterates anything in its path, including the mistake, thus wiping history clean and restoring things to their rightful place. In the meantime, it guarantees peace of mind. Nobody ever got fired for buying IBM, as they used to say before IBM fell from grace, causing several people no doubt to be fired.

Personally, I have never regretted holding the certification, and keep it framed on the wall above my bed. I have found it invaluable, not least with lady friends, who, upon entering the bedroom to the dim twinkle of candlelight and the sound of late-era Marvin Gaye oozing from the Radiogram in the corner, are reassured to know that the standard of service they will be receiving has been internationally recognised as 'adequate'.

Yours in advertising,



If you have a production problem you think Jim Watkins can help with, please email, quoting Agony Jim.

A Party Guru’s Guide to Cannes Lions 2016

June 16, 2016 / Features

By Sophia Melvin

Party Guru Sophia Melvin's tips on this year’s hottest parties and secrets on how to get those all important wristbands.

So let’s get real, we don’t make our annual pilgrimage to the French Riviera to gracefully chassé along the Croisette, nor do we travel all that way to sit through an awards do (we do enough of that in London and the struggle is already real). The truth is we go out there to get absolutely shit-faced in the name of new business and attempt to attend every party physically possible.

The party list is as long as the Croisette itself this year, so “Which parties should I be seen at and can you help me get an invite Sophia?” I hear you cry! Never fear. Here’s a bit of advice from me to you on how to get your mitts on those all-important wristbands and where to be seen in 2016…

Disclaimer Alert! I apologise profusely in advance to anyone mentioned in this article that may get inundated with emails and calls from their new best friends.


Little Black Book Beach

I wouldn’t describe the LBB Beach as a wild party, but this little beauty is literally your baguette and butter. It’s the perfect hotspot for networking and to have a sober conversation with high-profile sorts before they’ve had one too many glasses of rosé. So for me, it’s a must!

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 3/10
Ms Katherine Peach won’t be too peachy towards you if your name isn’t on the door. Yes, our friends at LBB have zooped up their security measures this year; so freelancers, you better get looking through the LBB directory and be very nice to the reps of their subscribers.


Iconoclast, Cannes Lions Funfair

The Iconoclast villa party was off the charts last year. Trust me, if you made it up there you probably don’t remember much… but that’s the sign of a great night, right?  So naturally they’ve raised their game with a funfair theme this year (who doesn’t love a good theme?) and I don’t know about you, but I’m seriously intrigued by the lucky ducks on the invite!

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 6/10 
They’re a super fun, friendly bunch and if you arrive with a magnum of rosé as a distraction, who’s gonna turn you away girl?

Shots Beach Party

Again, a firm favourite, with the likes of Charli XCX DJing in previous years and 2015’s showdown topping all expectations – So I have seriously high hopes for the Shots Beach Party this year. As always it’s great for seeing an excellent mix of the glitterati you struggle to book meetings with and your favourite people to dance alongside (Jonas, I will see you there my friend…) so get your paws on those wristbands! Oh, and one of Cut+Run’s rising stars Chris Hutchings edited the Beach Party Showreel, so keep an eye out for that little bit of magic whilst you’re schmoosing and raving (yes, I know that was shameless plug for one of my boys, but that’s my job!).

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 4/10
Strictly limited to subscribers, but I managed to wangle a few extras at the wristband collection desk last year… So be nice to Lucy (because Lucy is awesome) and if you manage to get hold of some extras, use them as a solid trade for other wristbands you’ve been unsuccessful in obtaining.


Rushes Beach Party

It wouldn’t be Summer without their BBQs, it wouldn’t be Christmas without their carolling, so it definitely wouldn’t be Cannes without their beach party! It’s certainly a good ‘un for seeing those familiar faces and never appears to suffer from the rival and slightly more exclusive MassiveMusic party further down the beach. With decades of practice Rushes never fail to bring their A-game to the Riviera, so it’s deffo a win win.

Likelihood of getting a wristband: 9/10
The gals at Rushes are the kind that all reps love and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Emailing info@rushes is said to be the key if you were inadvertently missed off the list.


Saatchi & Saatchi Beach Party

Firstly, I would just like to personally apologise to a lovely lady at Saatchi’s (who for all intents and purposes we’ll name Jane) for the misunderstanding. Jane, you honestly were the contact I was given to get some names on the list and I’m eagerly awaiting your response… This jamboree is 100% a hotty, which will, as always, be overflowing with fine wine and the industry’s top creatives. So feel special if you got an invite to this baby.

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 1/10
If you’re not on the list, you’re not coming in… right, Jane?


Finger Music Pool Party

Finger Music were sorely missed during their Cannes hiatus last year, so you shouldn’t dip out of their highly anticipated pool party this year. Promising super-sick tunes and a complimentary shuttle bus departing from gutter bar on the hour, every hour from 1pm, your day is sorted (I have the gorgeous Ewa to thank for this invitation… Thanks Ewa!).

Likelihood of getting a wristband: 0/10
Already rumoured to be at full capacity, getting a wristband at this stage will be as tricky as getting your hands on a Gold Lion – But if you’re feeling confident, you could try your luck at jumping on the shuttle?


CHI & Partnership Yacht Party

Oh yes, it’s a yacht party! I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m being transported back to the glamour of Don Draper’s Mad Men advertising days. It’s a very exclusive guestlist, but I hear that CHI are going out in full force, so keep an eye out for that copywriter you met at the APAs three years ago who you thought you’d never speak to again… You may need them now my friend.

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 1/10, or how good are you at swimming?
Definitely not one to miss, so get your breaststroke practice in at Shoreditch House this weekend….and FYI, Johnny is your man when it comes to names on the door.


Skunk Ring The Alarm Party

These guys have really woken up and smelt the coffee this year, what with the opening of their shit-hot London office already causing a stir, they’ve also gone and organised their party for the Friday night… Hallelujah!

Likelihood of gate crashing: 8/10
It’s a pretty hot ticket to get hold of this year, but my sources tell me that this pardy has been organised by their US Office… so who’s going to prove that you haven’t worked with their UK team in the last month?  Game faces on kids and I think you’re in!


Tropicool Afterparty

They don’t call it Tropi-COOL for nothing. Rumoured to be one of the coolest events of 2016, this is what happens when the world’s two favourite reps - Georgie and Attilio - come together and just want everyone to have a bloody good time. With DJ sets from Miss G herself, it’s going to be a Cannes cracker if last year is anything to go by.

Likelihood of gate-crashing 9/10
Firstly, because they’re über cool and when they say they want everyone to have a good time, they mean everyone! Secondly, it’s an intimate venue, so you could casually slip yourself amongst the over-flow of smokers outside if you’re desperate, which you should be, because you’ll want to be there.  Anyone who’s anyone will be there.


Grey White Carnival Party

Last year’s most talked about party during the Cannes comedown; this shindig is probably the most anticipated of the entire calendar. After experiencing their 50 Shades of Grey Party in 2015 (and it really was an experience) I’m confident that their White Carnival themed gathering on the JW Marriott rooftop is destined to be Avant Garde.

Likelihood of gate-crashing: 5/10
I’m split down the middle on this one. Last year it was a definite 10/10 with security as scarce as it was at the England v Russia match the other night – indeed the rooftop filled to capacity within the hour and the Grey employees couldn’t even get in!  It’s guaranteed to be trickier to get in unannounced this year, but the silver lining is that our pals at Grey used Eventbrite (my favourite) to send out their invites, so it’s fairly easy to RSVP (there’s even a plus 1 dropdown ***squeels***).


Agile Rooftop Fiesta

Following on from their killer villa party last year with a rooftop soiree in 2016, Agile certainly know what they’re doing. Promising breath-taking views, a refreshing gin and tonic bar, as well as bottomless fizz, this laidback, afternoon fiesta certainly sounds inviting. I’m so game!

Likelihood of gate-crashing: as low as 1/10
It’s an exclusive event, in a secret location on the Friday, so you’ll need an insider to get into this shizzle... but I’m pretty sure if you bring a script along with you, you’re in babes.


MassiveMusic / MediaMonks Beach Party (ExperiMMMMental)

It’s at times like this that I salute the RSVP contact. Charles, you drive a hard bargain and Paul, he’s doing a great job at keeping your guest list truly exclusive! So feel special if you’ve got one of these, it’s really is a postcode lottery!

Likelihood of gate-crashing 4/10
Last year, I managed to get 9 of us in who weren’t on the list, without selling my soul to the devil (apparently I have a way with doormen), so my advice would be to find out where they’re handing out their wristbands and act the dumb rep who’s just doing her job.


APA Location Guide Soiree

Last, but by no means least, I have to mention the APA Location Guide Soiree. This isn’t one for the killas and hundred dollar billers, but it’s a delicate sanctuary tucked safely between the furors of the Cannes apocalypse. It’s an absolute must-attend and the perfect place to mingle with CEOs and the world’s biggest Agency Producers – so if you really want to do your job out there reps, this is the place to be.

Likelihood of gate-crashing 3/10
Again, it’s exclusive to APA members and the guestlist is already closed… So be very VERY nice to Steve if you still fancy your chances. Which reminds me, Steve my lovely, I have a favour to ask you…

I leave you with my 2016 Cannes gate-crashing motto… Quand on veut, on peut… See you in Cannes peeps.


Sophia Melvin is the PR and Sales Rep for Cut+Run.

Agony Jim: When Will Production Be Free?

March 16, 2016 / Humour

By Jim Watkins

Veteran producer and sage cum digital native Jim Watkins solves your advertising conundra.
This edition: How to cut those pesky and irrelevant production costs.

Dear Jim,

I am a procurement expert. My mission on behalf of my client is complete efficiency and maximum value. I achieve this by demanding that everything my client buys is 15% cheaper each year including, of course, all its advertising and production. I calculate that by the year 2029 my client’s advertising will be virtually free.

It can’t be actually free of course, as due to some arcane mathematical rule it is impossible to get to zero. I’m not an idiot. However I calculate it will cost me less than 5p to make a commercial in 2029.

My question is, given that advertising should be ahead of the game in embracing the future, shouldn’t agencies and production companies move straight to working for advertisers for free now?

Wilf T. Hillingford


Dear Wilf,

You are exactly right. What you are contributing to in your invaluable work is the process of 'infinite growth', whereby companies such as your clients, and with them the economy of our country and indeed all countries in the developed world, will continue to grow year on year, forever.

The costs, side effects or complete logical impossibility of this are, of course, irrelevant. What matters is that growth is good, and benefits us all, however much it may seem not to. As the revered 18th century philosopher and intellectual Dr Pangloss put it, 'All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds'.

You have correctly identified that in the absence of a greater actual demand for your clients' products, growth can be created by shrinking costs ever further, exerting more pressure on suppliers until the last juice is squeezed out of them, at which point their empty husks can be tossed aside and replaced by something younger and riper. 

The trick is not to be distracted by their whimpering or the death rattle as the last breath is crushed from their lungs. These are the sounds of an 'anti-business' cabal determined to stop us marching together into a bright future. 

See you at the party!



If you have a production problem you think Jim Watkins can help with, please email, quoting Agony Jim.

A Pint With… Chris Page

March 9, 2016 / Features

By Chris Page

Head honcho at Jelly and Three Blind Mice on blagging, contemporary culture and his piratical tendencies.

Women are better at arguing. They know what the outcome of an argument is going to be because they’ve thought it through first, like a game of chess. Whereas men just make a series of knee-jerk reactions, shouting unrelated stuff throughout.

You have to surround yourself with people who are cleverer than you. I can blag. But you do reach the edge of blag quite quickly, so you have to find people that can do stuff. That’s how studios are built.

I fell off the edge of education. I got thrown out of college for not going. Then I had to make my own way and somehow still got into the industry that I loved and enjoyed. I wonder now if that’s possible. Companies want specialists straight out of school, not generalists they can mould.

Working in an agency is like being in the navy and working in production is like being a pirate. You’ve got to be agile and resourceful in production because there’s no big formal structure you can sit inside. Your job description can change at any minute. We’ve got people who might be working on packaging designs one week and a short animated film the next.

Outside of my family and work, Fireflies is what I care about the most. Ten years ago I didn’t even have a bike. I was a typical flabby, boozy ad twat who spent most of his time behaving quite badly. You need something that justifies your existence beyond family and work. Now I’ve ridden over the Alps into Cannes three times and I’m heavily involved with the charity. I’m not a surgeon, but I feel like at least I’m doing something to fight cancer.

Cycling is becoming the new golf. It’s a very white, middle-aged man thing. That’s why we’re trying to get young, diverse people from the ad industry interested in Fireflies.

Old stuff isn’t all ‘good’ and new stuff isn’t all ‘bad’. The pop music you like the most is what you liked when you were a teenager. My kids have their own pop music. Most people my age think it’s shit. But if you watch Top Of The Pops 2, it was even worse back in the 80s. It annoys me when people my age deride everything new as being bad.

Countryside politics scare me. Political stupidity annoys me. I go into the countryside cycling at the weekend and see the UKIP posters in the windows. These are nice areas that I’d otherwise like to move to, but the narrow-mindedness of some country folk puts me off.

I am a burglary magnet. I’m constantly being burgled - I live in South East London and it seems that if you’ve got anything decent other people will try and take it. I like to think we’re progressive, liberal people and we encourage our children to be the same, but it’s tough to maintain that attitude when you’re calling the security company for the fifth time shouting “More bars! Bigger alarm! Cameras! Keep the fuckers out!”

Balancing creativity and commerce is hard. My Financial Director’s major frustration is that I don’t really care enough about money. Any commercial success we’ve had has been a by-product of doing good work and retaining our integrity, but it’s hard to prove that that means success.

I like difficult people. You get better work from people who are slightly angular. I find them a challenge. I want to get past the shields. But it’s a fine line. There’s no need to be awkward for the sake of it.

Sometimes the client is right and the creative people are wrong. Our job is to look after our talent and to represent their interests. But there are times where they’re wrong and then that’s a much harder game.

Chris Page is Owner at Three Blind Mice and Jelly.

Rory Sutherland Interviews Jimmy Carr: Full Transcript

March 26, 2015 / Features

By The Beak Street Bugle

Yesterday's full, unedited conversation between Rory Sutherland and Jimmy Carr from Advertising Week Europe.

Advertising clever man Rory Sutherland took to the Advertising Week Europe stage yesterday to interview Jimmy Carr. It turns out the funny man off the telly used to work in advertising and in the session, titled It's The Way You Tell 'Em, spoke a lot of disarming truth about comedy, advertising and making advertising funnier.

We thought the conversation was so good, in fact, that we've transcribed the whole session. It's a long read, but full of gems.

Annette King: Good afternoon everyone. Welcome to the very first ever event that Ogilvy & Mather has sponsored here at Advertising Week Europe. It’s called ‘The Way You Tell ‘Em’ and it’s going to be hosted by our Vice Chairman Rory Sutherland in conversation with our very special guest Jimmy Carr.

They’re going to spend the next 45 minutes – Rory, 45 minutes [stern look]. You’ve all seen him speak before so you know I had to say that. There’s a clock there and it flashes when you need to stop. They’re going to spend the next 45 minutes discussing and debating the origins of humour in comedy and the role that they do and that they should play in advertising today.

David Ogilvy was famously fond of the Claude Hopkins quote that ‘people don’t buy from clowns,’ since he saw the art of selling things through advertising as a serious business, though he did soften in later years on this front, having seen some evidence to the contrary. I wonder what his point of view would be if he were on the stage with us today. So with that question in mind, over to you Rory and Jimmy for what I’m sure will be a riveting 45 minutes.

Rory Sutherland: Just to make you even more worried I’ve just bought one of these Behavioural Economics watches, which is called a Slow Watch. It’s got one hand and it only goes round once every 24 hours. So it’s completely relaxing because you just go ‘Oh look, I’m only about three degrees late!’ Whereas actually, a minute hand spooks you. That’s going far too fast.

Jimmy Carr: Well let’s definitely focus on that. We’ve got 45 minutes and that’s got literally fuck all to do with anything. I’m interested in Annette’s opening remark there that people don’t buy from clowns. I wonder was he in a McDonald’s when he had his revelation? ‘Maybe they do. Maybe Ronald has something here.’ People do buy from clowns don’t they?

RS: What always mystifies me a bit is a lot of kids find clowns deeply spooky.

JC: There’s actually a special name for people that are afraid of clowns. They’re called ‘mummy’s little benders.’

Clowns have to register their facial design to make sure that other sex offenders don’t use it. Fact.

Come on. Advertising, comedy, quick, questions.

RS: I’ve failed on my first aim which was to make the whole session completely unamusing, rather like that guy that wanted to host Neil Armstrong on a chat show an not mention the moon landings once. So I’ve failed in that bit.

But you’ve written a book, which I’ll plug, even though there are very few copies left on Amazon – The Naked Jape, with Lucy Greeves, who’s a copywriter. You were actually an advertising man yourself, briefly, and then you went client side because you- actually you might like to tell us why!

JC: Because it was much easier. When I was working for an advertising agency people were phoning me up and asking me for shit. I thought ‘who are these people?’ ‘What do you mean you want tickets for a Grand Prix? I want to go!’

RS: Interesting that I never spotted that.

JC: It’s more fun being a client. And marketing is more sort of- I worked for Shell, briefly, in marketing. It’s an easy job working for an oil company in marketing because have you got a car?

RS: Yeah.

JC: There’s a little thing that tells you when you’re out of petrol – my job done! You’d best get some more.

RS: I suppose what fascinates me is that first of all I think there is a cultural war on comedy and that, as you quite rightly said earlier, it comes from both sides. You have a kind of Mary Whitehouse brigade who don’t want you to say things and you equally have pressure from the left. My view has always been that there’s a huge value in comedy in that creating a space or a context in which people can say what they like is just hugely important to any kind of social organisation. If you think about it the fool in King Lear is the only person who’s talking any sense, for example. That court jester role.

JC: There’s real example of that comedy adding value to society and being able to say the unsayable. The Great Wall of China was meant to be painted and it was the Emperor’s fool that made jokes about it. Because he was bankrupting the nation building a wall and he wanted to paint it and the fool went ‘well, he’s a fucking idiot.’ And the Emperor didn’t. And it saved them as a nation. It’s a weird thing where comedy can have that.

It’s interesting the idea that political correctness now- especially in advertising. Advertising’s in danger of getting a bit boring. There’s fewer funny adverts being made than there were and it feels like that’s a very – I don’t know why I should particularly feel [this] – but Britain does comedy particularly well I think. In TV and film and stand-up. I think we’re good at it. And we don’t seem to do as much in advertising. I think partly it is that thing of the right-wing Mary Whitehouse kind of brigade ‘ban this filth’, but also the left wing saying ‘well you can’t say that.’ I think it doesn’t leave the client much room to go ‘I don’t want to offend anyone.’ I don’t think they should worry about offending people.

RS: I met Jennifer Jacquet, who’s the world’s leading expert on shame at NYU, and she said one of the problems is-

JC: You met her? What was the context there? What had you done?

RS: Actually, a very good question. One of her points is that being outraged is just too cheap. 30 years ago you had to buy a stamp, you had to paint placards, organise a protest. Now you have these electronic means of communication, which just allow you to create synthetic outrage, effectively.

JC: Yeah. That’s a very interesting point actually because it’s also that thing – it’s OK to offend someone, but it’s OK to be offended. That’s fine. It’s a weird thing when people are offended on behalf of someone else, which I don’t think counts. I think it’s bullshit. I think when people go ‘well I get that that’s just a joke and that’s designed to make people laugh and release endorphins and build rapport. I get that, but I don’t think those fucking idiots will get it so I’m offended on their behalf.’ You just think that’s the most patronising thing in the world.

RS: What’s also interesting about that is that what you’re doing when you do this is you’re playing a status game, which is saying ‘I’m a high-status person who understands. These people need my protection. Which is automatically elevating yourself above the people you’re claiming to defend. And there’s something slightly kind of game-theoretical about it, which is a bit nasty I think. But it’s always done with the appearance of being fantastically well intentioned.

JC: In comedy, if you think about the intent of it, rather than if there’s offence or it’s about something that feels transgressive or taboo, the intent of all jokes is the same. My favourite quote about comedy is ‘a joke is the shortest distance between two people.’ When you think about what all jokes are saying, it’s the same thing. It’s ‘I like you and I want you to like me.’ But it’s an awkward thing.

Especially, I think men are very bad at bonding. I think the reason men tell more jokes socially is because they’re bad at going ‘I really love you, man.’

RS: That’s quite unnerving.

JC: They’re very weird about that so that’s what you’re doing when you tell someone a joke. I think lots of people have that relationship with fathers or brothers, where they’re a bit emotionally stunted and they feel like if I tell a joke then- That’s the reason comedy DVDs, I think, were such a popular present – because they were easy to wrap and guys could go ‘I like this and I like you and you’ll like that and that’s our thing.’ It’s a lovely thing to share and it builds social cohesion. And really that’s where I think it relates to advertising because it’s about trying to build a group. If you have a funny advert and people laugh at it then they feel that’s their thing.

RS: To form a group you need to have one thing in common, but that thing can be pretty arbitrary. So if you share a sense of humour or whatever you will automatically bond regardless of other differences separate you.

JC: I think that’s an odd thing with being a comedian on television. Obviously, not everyone likes you but the people that do come up to you on the street or in bars and shops or whatever and there’s a familiarity there because people assume that you’re a friend. It’s not like – people lose their shit when they meet film stars or singers. I could never do that. People come up to me and go ‘here’s one for ya’’ and tell me a joke. It makes the world a very friendly place, being a comedian, and I’m amazed advertising doesn’t use that more because you feel very well disposed to anything that makes you laugh.

RS: I read an interesting insight the other day, which was that if you want to accelerate the adoption of electric cars, the guy who’ll do it isn’t George Monbiot or Al Gore. It’s Jeremy Clarkson.

JC: Not this week. He’s got a lot on his plate!

RS: Because if you want to change people’s minds in a way that doesn’t create resentment or grievance then you can use humour in a way that is in a sense what you might call- If you take The Economist advertisement ‘”I never read The Economist” Management trainee. Aged 42.’ Which was the first Economist ad. If you write down the proposition of that it’s pretty odious. It’s ‘unless you read this magazine, you will be a loser in business.’ And no one can actually say that. But make it funny and you’re allowed to say something which no one resents, creates no offence or pushback.

JC: Is there a world if they tried to do that now as their fist advert, someone would go ‘well actually there’s a lot of very junior people who are a little bit older and actually you’re kind of offending them.’

RS: Yeah. They’re called advertising planners. They tend to be the voice of the Guardian reader within the agency. But even within an agency. I came to the conclusion after 26 years working in advertising that the only way to run advertising agencies actually is you create a corporate culture where you can say stupid things and still be promoted. If those stupid things are interesting or they lead somewhere or whatever.

JC: That certainly explains your role here.

RS: It certainly does! But it was only after 25 years in advertising I found myself in other corporate cultures. If you take the civil service, if you say one thing that’s remotely silly it’s basically career death.

JC: It’s an interesting thing though, in advertising. I don’t know what it’s like to work in an advertising agency now, but it’s got to be 15, 16 years ago now when I was last in one – you had a lot of breakout rooms. There’s a lot of ping-pong and foosball being played but no space to say interesting things. And that would be a more interesting space in an advertising agency, where we’ve got one room where we can slag off our clients. One room to go ‘there fucking idiots at Ford. Why won’t they let us make a good commercial.’

RS: There is an interesting thing. If you take quite a lot of the great advertisements produced. If you take Apple’s, for example, Think Different, it actually started as a practical joke. They had a fairly boring campaign which featured effectively living people. And it said ‘Think Different’ and you had to have Richard Branson and it’s kind of alright.

JC: I think most adverts feature living people.

RS: I think someone as a joke put up Hitler or Stalin or someone like that. And obviously you’re not going to do ‘Think Different’ with Stalin because that’s probably not very Apple, but somebody else then went and started putting up Hitchcock and Gandhi and then produced something famous. So there’s this element in a lot of mental progress that you’ve got to climb Mount Silly before you can get to the bright, sunlit uplands beyond.

JC: It’s an interesting thing with the creative process as well. That idea that you have to be able to say anything. There can’t be any bad ideas in that room. It is that Walt Disney thing of having that creative space where you can do anything and then another space where you think about ‘actually, is that a good idea?’ Maybe that’s what planners are actually for – stopping you from doing something too stupid.

RS: It’s actually a significant problem because when a solution to something is seemingly trivial, and sometimes it is – Edward De Bono thought that the solution to peace in the Middle East was Marmite. I’m not making that up. He thought it was due to a zinc deficiency.

JC: Surely a mezzanine floor is the answer to the Middle East. More space. Solved that - let’s move on.

RS: Start with the easy ones. Would you more or less take that to such an extreme then that you say ‘this is comedy. If it is funny and if it is clearly said in a comedic context anything goes. There is no line. No censorship. No restriction.’

JC: Yeah. You either believe in freedom of speech or you don’t. That strikes me as the thing. And even if you allow- and the Daily Mail, they’re very good at doing what they do. Their job in society is being outraged and they’re fucking brilliant at it. They will take any story and go ‘oh my God! I’m shocked. I’m going to sit down and have some sweet tea. My God. I think I might feint.’ But actually being offended is not that bad is it? You just go ‘ooh I don’t like that.’ It’s just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t like it.’ I do. It’s kind of OK. I’m of the opinion that it’s not for everyone. There’s no universal comedy audience, but there’s an audience for that kind of humour. There’s an audience for Frankie Boyle saying very extreme things and there’s an audience for Mrs Brown’s Boys. And they’re absolutely valid. They scratch the same itch. They make people laugh.

RS: You’ve said in the past that in some ways it’s rather like your sexuality – your sense of humour is something you’re sort of born with. You don’t have much choice over what you find funny.

JC: I don’t think you’ve got any choice. You [the audience] work in the advertising industry, so probably you’d like to watch QI and find it brilliantly funny and witty or something on Radio 4 and think that’s brilliant and fun and witty; and some of you like Mrs Brown’s Boys and feel a secret shame that you like very broad comedy. Your sense of humour so chooses you.

The best example of it I can think of is the cognitive dissonance of a very edgy joke. And by that I mean if I tell a very edgy joke.

RS: Go ahead.

JC: No. It’s not the time or the place. But I’m back here at 11. Good luck everyone.

But if you tell a very edgy joke sometimes you’ll get a laugh first and then you’ll notice 20 people in the first three rows put a hand up to their mouth and what’s happening is the laughter is like a reflex. You laugh so quickly at something and then your conscious mind kicks in and goes ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and you try and throw it back in. So sometimes the best reaction to a joke is a laugh and then a sharp intake of breath. But you laugh first because that sense of humour is a reflex you on a very pure level. I think it does relate to sexuality. I think it is that raw. You don’t choose what turns you on… You’re a very attractive man. I didn’t want to have to say that.

RS: It’s OK. I’m used to it.

It’s an interesting question because you have something there which is patently a tool for- there’s a very interesting book in which Daniel Dennett said that the very origin of humour is that the brain needs to have an error correction device, so that when you spot incongruity, in order for us to be encouraged to remove those errors we need to have an incentive. So you’d have an orgasm, which is an incentive for men to not spend all their time playing Call of Duty.

JC: Yeah, that was the original Darwinian theory.

RS: It kind of was like Call of Duty.

JC: That’s why we have opposable thumbs as well.

Well it’s interesting what comedy does from a Darwinian perspective. It rewards linguistic ability and building groups, ultimately. And that’s what your industry is trying to do. You’re trying to build a group that are into your thing. It’s a great way of mediating conflict in a non-violent way. Humour dissipates conflict a lot of the time. It also rewards noticing difference. So if you’re on the savannah and you spot a leopard’s tail, the ‘aha’ moment and the ‘haha’ moment are pretty similar.

A lot of comedy is about tension and that tension being released. That’s the reason why I think taboo and transgressive, edgy comedy works very well because you’ve got a lot of tension around those subjects anyway. There’s always a lot of tension around sex in most societies, so when you get that tension when someone talks about that openly you get a release and that release is a laugh. It always works in the same sort of way.

RS: Dennett does this linguistic analysis which is in a surprising number of languages the word ‘funny’ meaning humorous and the word ‘funny’ meaning strange – it’s the same word, which is quite interesting.

JC: Not to get too boring but all jokes work in the same way. So the set-up of any joke sets up an assumption. It makes you make an assumption in the set-up to the joke that you find is erroneous in the punch line. They all work in the same way. It’s very boring when you-

RS: So even that business of appearing in front of a small baby and then pretending to hide?

JC: Yeah. It’s a suddenly revealed, previously concealed fact. It’s how jokes work. They all work in the same way and they’re just endlessly pleasing to us. It’s just difference and you clock that and the endorphins are our minds rewarding us.

RS: It’s rewarding us for noticing the thing. So it’s interesting here. You’ve patently got a mechanism, which in terms of both forming groups, which is fairly essential to advertising.

JC: And humanity! To a lesser extent.

RS: Then you have also changing people’s minds, or allowing people to change their minds without creating resentment or a feeling of loss. What’s interesting about it is that no one suggests there should be – not that we’d want a Ministry of Humour, but it does occur to me that actually British humour may be a sort of competitive advantage. Having a culture like this-

JC: Well you get to that thing of where would we be without a sense of humour? Germany. I think we value humour above a lot of nations. Not being able to take a joke is almost like the worst thing you could say about someone. ‘He can’t take a joke’ or ‘he’s a bit humourless’. It just feels like ‘he’s a dick.’ Whereas there are cultures where it’s OK to not have a particularly well-developed sense of humour.

RS: Now [name garbled], who does translation of advertising into lots of different languages, he makes the point – I’m not sure he’s right entirely – but he says that it’s only in Britain or the Anglo-sphere and the Nordic countries, and also in Jewish culture, where humour is associated with being intelligent. In Germany you can be funny, but it’s basically associated with being ‘Mike Hunt’s [sic] off his trolley’, basically the office clown. The idea that it actually correlates with intelligence is an Anglo-Judaic thing. This is the problem with making advertising funny – if you had to produce an ad for, literally, not only different languages but completely different cultures, there’s a hell of a lot that doesn’t translate, simply because it depends on shared consciousness to start with, for example.

JC: Yeah. And clowning is a different area, which I’m not an expert in. But certainly linguistically, we’re very blessed with the English language. That seems to be what drives comedy.

RS: Yeah. My German friends think we’re cheating.

JC: We’ve got a noun and an adjective in the right place to be funny and there’s lots of words that have double meanings. It just seems to lend itself to comedy. But I’m always amazed when I travel, when people learn English they get English comedy. I was in Iceland the last couple of days doing shows and the standard of English there is very good and they all seem to get the comedy. There’s something inherent in English, I think, that lends itself. It’s a great thing when you’re learning the language, when you travel round Europe doing shows, people get to a level and they sort of really know when they’ve learnt a language when they get a joke in it.

RS: Henning Wehn of course is a fantastic case. Scandinavians basically share our sense of humour at least while they’re speaking in English. The Dutch do as well. Also there are some strange things in that the Pythons just wrote off the idea of going to the United States at all. They just said once you’ve created Monty Python, the idea of taking this to America was something they didn’t even contemplate. Because they just said the idea was so ridiculous. And no one is more surprised than them when the whole thing – it was probably more of a college cult thing there than it was mass, but it is surprising how humour can travel quite unexpectedly.

JC: I think advertising maybe suffers from too much analysis. Too many people going ‘they won’t get this’ [One person claps enthusiastically]. Thank you. That’s that planner that was recently fired.

RS: Also of course you have the disadvantage that you have to get the thing perfect before you fire.

JC: In my business we have writing rooms, so if we’re writing a show that’s it for the week and you can write jokes, you can reverse engineer, you can come to the joke and then think. We have to get it past like one level of a producer. We have the producer in, pitch them the jokes and then go ‘alright, we’re going to do that in front of the audience’ and that’s it. And when I do stand-up I don’t have that even. All I have is – Lenny Bruce said ‘the audience is a genius’ and what he meant by that is the audience – I’ve been a comedian about 16 years and not everyone likes it but I’m pretty good at writing jokes, but I don’t know whether it’s funny until I tell an audience. You get a musician and they can play the violin and even if they’re on their own it’s still music. I don’t know if it’s a joke until I tell an audience and they laugh. It’s weird with advertising. It’s like you have to jump through so many hoops so as an advertising agency you then have to go to pitch to the client and then the client has to go to corporate. So when you get a funny advert out, it’s such an achievement. Because you’ve got such huge feedback. And then you have to see whether it affects sales in a good way. I’m so blessed that my feedback loop is almost immediate. If I say something and it gets a laugh, great, and if it doesn’t I’ll say something else.

RS: I read Stuart Lee’s book recently and he says that he will tweak the structure and content of a joke repeatedly in front of an audience until he gets it just right. There was something about Gary Lineker being a velvet owl or something. But he would experiment.

JC: Yeah. You do that and it is that thing. Lenny Bruce was right – the audience is a genius. Not only do they decide what is and isn’t funny, but they also regulate comedy. You don’t need the Mary Whitehouse crew or the Guardian telling you what you can and can’t say. An audience will tell you. If you go too far with a joke an audience will just [stand in] stony silence. And if you get it right they’ll laugh and be teased but not offended and it works. They regulate what you can and can’t say by definition.

RS: What happens if you just have a complete disaster and bomb for a short time. What’s the best thing you can do?

JC: Listen. I think we’re doing OK. Don’t panic is the first thing. We’ll open it to questions if it goes really badly. It doesn’t really happen in that sense. If they don’t like you they’re not going to like you. They’re not going to change. There’s no way to be someone else entirely. That’s all you’ve got.

RS: And you have those occasions?

JC: No. Very rarely.

RS: So tell me how you got started. So you were at Shell, working in marketing?

JC: I just started doing gigs. I went to the Edinburgh festival, did lots of shows. I just liked it. I like the kind of circus of comedy. It’s a really fun world to be in because we’ve got nothing. We’re the lowest rung of the entertainment ladder. We’d like to be in showbusiness but we’ve got no skills. Jokes are things that dads tell to kids that are being too loud in the back of a car on a long journey to kill time. It’s just ‘alright. I’m here. Loads of people have turned up. Argh. Here’s one for ya’’

RS: So in your spare time while you were working at Shell you’d go on-

JC: Yeah. I’d go out and do gigs and I thought ‘I’ll go and do this. I’ll go and give it a go.’ It was like a quarter-life crisis. And it was before, really, the big comedy boom. There’s been a big boom recently. And I think party that’s the changing world of media the past couple of years – the idea that people don’t watch television as much anymore, or if they do watch television, they certainly watch content, but they watch it on their computer or their phone. I think people really crave going out and having an experience in a room. Being part of a collective is a really fun thing so that kind of event driven.

RS: So like music? Recorded music sales fall; live events grow.

I’m intrigued also. There used to be a great thing in comedy that one of the problems was you wanted to go on television to do stand-up because obviously it made your name. The problem was you’d burn through material very rapidly. Does that problem still exist?

JC: Not really. Generating material is quite easy for me. You go and see some people’s comedy shows and there’s a narrative arc across a 40-minute routine, which is great. They’re building a statue from marble. I’m making something from Lego. It’s like 300 jokes in a row, so it’s just brick by brick, building up some gags. It’s a piece of piss. It’s easy.

RS: Someone said they wanted to know about your early childhood. I know you said your mother was the funniest person you ever knew.

JC: Yeah she was very funny. Very sort of – she would say the unsayable a lot. Yes she was really funny.

RS: Did you have an inkling of this in early life?

JC: No I’m always very suspicious of people who know what they want to do when they’re 12. I doubt many people when they’re 12 go ‘I want to be an advertising planner. It’s the best thing ever. I really want to drill down into these demographics. Basically, ABC1s, I think, are the market.’

It’s a weird thing. I sort of fell into it, I think, arse backwards and it’s been really fun. And TV, people think that’s the aim – that’s where we want to be. Actually live stand-up is what you do for a living and everything else is gravy. That’s the job and most people I know that are comedians think of themselves as journeymen. So you’re not trying to get anywhere or do anything. You always get asked in interviews ‘what next?’ and you think actually this is fine.

RS: So it’s a kind of craft thing and you practice the craft.

JC: Yeah. Like being a musician. It’s just a fun life.

RS: You described yourself as a ‘plastic Paddy’, which is your Irish background.

JC: I always say I look like this because my dad’s Irish and my mum’s Roger Federer. I suppose ‘plastic Paddy’ is a fair term.

RS: Coming from Wales, you actually defended this very reasonably-

JC: You’re Welsh are you?

RS: Yeah.

JC: I like that joke-

RS: Go on then.

JC: One of my best friends is a Welsh guy and I asked him how many sexual partners he’d had in his life and started to count, then he fell asleep.

RS: But that refers to the North Welsh. Let me make that very clear.

JC: Yeah, sure. In Cardiff you’re too busy fucking your sister.

There you are. Those jokes. I’m not really sure at what stage that becomes an offensive thing.

I think one of my favourite jokes just in terms of the form of it. And it’s not that funny but I really love the format. It’s an Irishman walks into a library and says ‘fish and chips, please’ and the librarian goes ‘this is a library.’ He goes I’m sorry [whispering] ‘fish and chips, please.’ It’s a brilliant, crazy logic. And as much as you can reverse engineer comedy and you can analyse it and go ‘how that was written was they started off with the punchline and worked back’, sort of like the same way you’d write a murder mystery – you start knowing who did it an then you take away enough elements so that it creates a story. You can reverse engineer a joke but you never come up with something brilliant like that. You come up with something that’s very serviceable and fun, but really funny jokes have to be a little moment of inspiration.

RS: There is a kind of formula thing, which is knock-knock jokes or light bulb jokes, probably started fairly feeble and they’ve just become a thing on which people riff. So you get the occasional thing where there’s a formula. This is the great thing about dissecting a joke – you make a horrible mess and the frog dies. That actually there’s some element that- the peculiar thing about humour is it’s entirely about the reaction it creates.

JC: It’s interesting when it relates to advertising though, because the kind of comedy that I’m talking about – mainly one-liners – that is the kind of thing that I do. There is a premise that you can’t hear a one-liner more than once because the surprise is such an important part of it. And I don’t think that is true. Actually the funniest ad on TV at the moment I think is the P&O advert that Rob Brydon does. I think it’s brilliantly done. It’s not laugh-out-loud funny, it’s just funny and it’s charming and actually if you see it three times in a day it’s not annoying. It’s a weird level. They just pitched the level absolutely right.

I think often the reason advertising shies away from comedy is they go ‘we could spend all this money on an ad and want it to run for a year. People are going to get bored of the joke.’

RS: But they don’t get bored of the joke.

JC: But I get it. The John Smith’s or whatever – if you do a series of ads that have got the same sort of theme and they rotate, it’s really nice.

RS: It’s hard to do, actually. The comedy of something that makes it rewatchable, it’s not exactly the same as greatness, is it? So I’ve never had the urge to watch Citizen Kane again, but I can watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – I’ve probably watched that 15 times. The same quality applies to jokes. I don’t know if anyone’s read P. G. Wodehouse, The Clicking of Cuthbert.

JC: I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say no, I haven’t. Have you met people? I mean I’ve read The Huffington Post.

RS: Well it’s a short story that is so good that I can read that several times a year and probably still do. There was this thing that Douglas Adams used to do. He would dissect Wodehouse’s style, take a paragraph and just spend ages working out what makes it so funny and try and work that out.

You made a point about obviously there’s the brevity thing. There’s the thing about, what is it? I’m not gay, unless from Newcastle and by gay means ‘owns a coat’.

[The audience don’t react]

JC: That’s a very good example. I can make that funny, whereas you just fucking slaughtered that. Jesus fucking wept!

RS: But the peculiar thing is the extent to which the repeat of an ad is – show the Kronenbourg ad if you’ve got it up there. 

JC: It would be funnier if he didn’t look like a farmer. He looks too much like a farmer now.

RS: The interesting thing about that though is that little facial expression at the end that more or less says ‘you and I, the audience, will engage in a conspiracy in this mild act of deception’. The first thing is the extent to which humour is so executionally dependent that two people can tell an identical joke and it’s hysterical in one set of hands and dire in the other.

JC: Yeah. I think that’s the reason that someone like John Lloyd, who is a brilliant commercials director, did all the Barclaycard stuff with Rowan Atkinson. Especially if you’ve only got 30 seconds to get your message across, every frame counts. And if you get a brilliant comedic director you can get it and if you get someone who’s kind of only OK or an editor that’s not brilliant. You’re absolutely right. The execution is everything when you’ve only got that amount of time. Also, it’s amazing how much you can do in an advert. It’s amazing how much you can do in 30 seconds.

RS: That tough brevity thing. One of the problems, I think, with global advertising is that you could do a hell of a lot in 30 seconds and have a lot of common cultural reference, which people would immediately understand. So an awful lot of the content effectively doesn’t need to be said. What gets more difficult is if you assume you have this completely diverse audience so more or less everything needs to be explained. That makes the whole thing more difficult.

JC: You talk about the global thing. Another thing is that humour’s hardly used at all really with global branding. When you talk about your IBMs and Apples and things. It seems really anodyne and – I realise they’re trying to create brands and have been tremendously successful, but there’s no personality there. When you talk about personality brands, I think humour’s a key part of that. Adverts can be funny but brands tend to be very serious and stuck up and cold.

RS: I think a little bit of it is a financial thing, which is the proportion of money spent in advertising on categories like beer or cigars, or whatever, which were historically the funniest. The assumption was people buy this product out of what you might call the discretionary part of their wallet, which is ‘this is money I’m spending to have a laugh’ and therefore the advertising should do the same. And those are a smaller and smaller part of overall advertising on TV, dwarfed by things like insurance comparison websites, mobile phone networks – a whole bunch of categories that didn’t exist when I was a kid. That doesn’t help, I think. Some of those categories manage to be fairly funny. The meerkats are a pretty good example of taking a category which was not comedy gold to begin with.

JC: I’m amazed mobile phones haven’t gone down that road more. It seems like mobile phone adverts are always about ‘yoot culture’. Really?

RS: [O2’s] ‘Be more dog’ is probably an example of something a little bit British.

JC: I think they could make more of an effort. I’ll be honest.

RS: There is something that’s becoming a bit earnest and worthy about the whole commercial world and it’s hard to challenge it. I find it just a little bit upsetting the extent to which there’s very little wit in press advertising. I used to buy magazines largely to read the ads because the agency CDP at the time had probably produced most of the best ones.

JC: It’s an odd thing because it’s happened just recently with the online commercials or the ones that you guys make for your showreels. The famous VW ad that they made which wasn’t sanctioned by VW. Show that.

JC: That is a brilliant ad.

RS: And yet that’s not an advert. It was made by an aspiring creative team, I think. Certainly not sanctioned by Volkswagen. The interesting thing about that is I suspect in the 1970s they would have run that ad. There is an element of corporate cowardice that’s come about which is that more or less anything interesting you say will offend somebody. That somebody will now have the means to complain, make a fuss-

JC: I think maybe let’s not suggest ‘let’s get ISIS in more ads’. But it seems there’s another thing which is going on now which is online media – the idea of people watching clips and the fact that you can talk direct to people in that. Broadcasting’s gone. It’s that narrowcasting where you go ‘where that audience for VW are young people that will take the joke.’ But it gets the message across brilliantly.

RS: You can’t argue with it being on brief.

JC: Often another thing that’s quite annoying about funny adverts is when they’re just funny and you go ‘what’s it for?’ There’s nothing that ties it in.

RS: There’s another convention. I don’t know what the reason for this is but no brand, virtually, in the UK will ever produce advertising slagging off a competitor brand. It’s just a kind of unwritten law.

JC: Supermarkets, I think, started doing it, but it’d be good if they started going ‘Aldi? You’re having a laugh. They’re only there to keep the scum out of Lidl.’

RS: A large part of humour depends on mild challenge or rudeness. It’s difficult to be humorous and be nice. It’s one of the funny things, that eventually these people believe that humour, to an extent, is kind of what you might call harmless aggression. It’s almost a contradiction of terms – a means to challenge someone while not actually starting a fight. But there is a degree of- all humans to an extent – there are exceptions – but a hell of a lot of funny humour is actually nasty to somebody.

JC: Ultimately, if you start trying to please everyone in comedy you’ll end up going ‘well someone’s father probably died crossing a road, looking for a chicken.’ It’s going to happen at some point.

RS: Like one of the old Benny Hill comedy gags of all time. There was an advertisement Barclays ran about four years ago, which shows someone effectively getting a bee trapped in their clothing and having to divest themselves of clothes and jump in a lake. And it was taken off the air because it was deemed to be offensive to people who have bee sting allergies.

JC: I think bee sting allergies is very much a thinning of the herd. It’s like being allergic to peanuts – fuck ‘em.

It’s a weird thing when you say that and people thing ‘well this child, ah.’ You can’t take that as a joke. That seems crazy to me. It’s sort of an insane thing. I don’t think advertising helps itself. Also, how many complaints do you need to have to have an ad taken off television?

RS: It’s a pretty small number. A large percentage of them come from competitor companies.

[An audience member says it could be one]

JC: It could be one complaint to get that taken off? That’s got to change hasn’t it? That just seems insane that someone could come and say ‘I didn’t like it’. I’m amazed more competitors aren’t making those calls.

RS: Emphatically, they do. I know that. Quite a few complaints are written from the Marketing Director of an opposing company’s lover’s address or something like that. It happens quite a bit. It’s pure mischief making.

JC: Oh. Good!

RS: This is something that needs to be discussed more widely because the right to offend people in some way and also the right engage in conversation with your friends which can’t be deemed offensive by some third party who isn’t engaged in the conversation is another thing.

JC: People are trying to mediate that at the moment. It’s a weird thing where I could say something on Twitter that you couldn’t. I could make a joke about a bomb on an airplane because there’s a delay. I could be annoyed about that and make a joke and that would be fine because of what I do for a living. If any of you did that I think you’d probably do jail time. That’s the slightly mad thing. But people are only getting used to that now – the idea that their online profile is in the public domain. The private world’s getting smaller and smaller.

RS: Yes. And there’s an argument that Twitter should be judged by the light of private conversation even though it’s public. One of the things you notice – I’ve got a very interesting metric, which is if you tweet something slightly controversial on Twitter that’s funny, you get a hell of a lot of favourites and no retweets, which is the quantitative demonstration of cowardice. ‘I can favourite this and that’s fine. If I retweet it I might get HR on my back.’

JC: I think getting back to advertising, it seems we haven’t questioned whether humour is a very good way to sell things. The premise of this conversation is should you be allowed to joke in advertising or say more edgy things in adverts or take a brand to another place and make it more sort of a well-rounded character with a sense of humour, but the premise is that’s always going to be a sort of good idea. I don’t know if people buy into that or not – if humour is a good way of selling. Because that’s ultimately what you’re doing. You’re trying to sell stuff, right?

Some people are goin ‘eeeh. It’s a bit more than that. We’re building rapport with 3rd party advocacy.’ Fuck him up.

RS: Actually you probably need to say ‘engagement’ and ‘branded content’ as well.

JC: It seems to work even better. If you’re trying to get someone to buy bread from Aldi, it strikes me that comedy’s not the best way to do it. Just ‘20p. Bread. You like toast don’t you? Fucking use this. Toast it.’ You don’t need comedy there. So much of marketing and advertising is about brand building and trying to create a person and if you can’t use humour there I think you’re really up against it.

RS: I think people undoubtedly personalise brands. We don’t like people without a sense of humour but somehow we’re OK with brands that don’t have one. Which seems odd. I suppose it leads to the diminishing of personality at some level.

JC: I always wondered why they never bring people into it- I’m not touting for work here, but I’m always amazed they never bring comics in. That advertising agencies never go ‘we’ll get a comedian to write the line on that.’

RS: Brilliant point.

JC: I did some work about ten years ago. We went in and did a day with an advertising agency, a workshop or whatever, and it was really fun, but there’s a huge pool of talent out there. I’m always amazed when they do that on films as well. They make an action movie and they have one funny line in it and it’ll be shit. You go ‘well you should have just got some comics in. We could have nailed that.’

Yeah. Employ me. Come on.

RS: Interesting question. We employ musical talent to write music. It doesn’t seem ridiculous to outsource that as well.

JC: It doesn’t really happen the same. John Cleese used to be in every ad. That was the law, wasn’t it? There was a point around 1989 when he was in literally every advert and people felt very well disposed to him. But that doesn’t seem to happen that much now. I wonder why that is. I suppose ads are made pan-European.

RS: I think that’s the reason. The number of uniquely British ads as a proportion is probably smaller. That’s interesting. But you’ve raised an interesting point. There are quite a few changes happening. They happen at a speed that we don’t really notice them, but the proportion of comedians is probably a lot lower.

Finally, how do you do it? How do you produce them? Do you have any mechanism, a lucky rabbit’s foot.

JC: No. In terms of joke writing, in terms of the creative process of jokes, I think it is about being in that mindset. It’s a lovely way to see the world. If you’re trying to write jokes for the day you’re sort of looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, so even when something horrific happens in the news, you’re trying to think of the funny angle and it actually puts you in quite a good mood. It’s a really lovely thing to be doing. So you’re constantly thinking in that two-line structure and often it is that thing of trying to go way past where you’re going to go with the joke. Say the unsayable to someone and see what response that elicits. So often you’re chatting to someone and trying to say something edgy.

RS: So you’ll take something like a disaster and then you have to flip that by trying to look at it from this positive or humorous frame of mind.

JC: Yeah. Then you find out where too far is and edge back. That’s not a bad way.

RS: This is my point, that actually you have to go too far before you can get it right.

JC: Interestingly, I think Derren Brown’s gone too far with these Malaysian air disasters.

RS: We have obviously said enough for today. So thank you very much.

“Big Long Huge Bugle Man”

January 30, 2015 / Humour

By Alex Reeves

After looking at our Google Analytics for the year, we’re finally giving the people what they want.

We pay attention to our Google Analytics because we’re not idiots. We want to know which articles people are most interested in and we endeavour to please our readership. But there’s a limit. Most of the time we make the editorial decision not to write articles just for the hits, but just for this article we’re going to give the twisted Googlers what they want. Here are the weirdest and most disturbing search terms that led people to The Beak Street Bugle in 2014.


“big long huge bugle man”
We Google image searched this term and found ourselves in good company. A good time for anyone who appreciates the beauty of the male form and a harrowing reminder that ‘bugle’ is a common typo for ‘bulge’.



“ginger oferral”
One of our editors Lewis More O’Ferrall will not reveal if he is, or has ever been, a redhead. It’s an intriguing thought though. We made this lifelike mock-up to quench our curiosity.



“alex reeves oil paintings”
Editor / staff writer Alex Reeves has never done an oil painting in his life because he’s an uncultured oik. If he did, it would probably look something like this.



“bak street bygle”
Who amongst us hasn’t found themselves in a grubby alleyway (Brick Lane most likely) at three o’clock in the morning, craving Jewish baked goods. And in that situation, who can still spell complex words like ‘back’ and Yiddish ones like ‘beigel’? We have a lot of empathy for this Googler.



“chubb hairy”
burgundy speedos
chubby bear men
chubby men in leather
daddy bear hairy big man perfect in chainiz
free tight underwear bugles pic
hairy guy from commercial in speedo
hairy guy in speedo commercial
hairy guy on beach
hairy man at beach
hairy man speedo images
hairy man speedo images
hairy man speedo
hairymen beach photo
male chubby on beach)

Be careful Googling these terms. Thanks to this article we are now plagued by them. But we aim to please so here are some of the images you were really after:



“commercial directors are twats”
Well, we've found the headline for our next opinion column...

Thanks to our digital marketing specialist, Anita Jasser of Sofarbeyond. We couldn’t have made these important strategic insights without her.

7 Voice Over Artists You Might End Up Booking

October 17, 2014 / Humour

By Jamie Grant

Jamie Grant goes over the usual suspects of the voiceover session.

Summon up your best Scouse accent and ask “What's yer name, and where do you come from...?”  Cilla Black's catchphrase was a game-show staple of the 80s and 90s. The screen that prevented the chooser connecting the face to the voice made it all the more fun. But booking a voice artist you've not worked with before can be a similarly blind date; the talent's credentials may impress on paper, but the guy or girl who walks through the door might not be quite what you expected.

London’s newest voice agency Loud and Clear Voices has conducted the most up-to-date (unscientifically provable) survey in ad-land history to bring you the following data so that you, dear booker, can have some idea of what you might be getting.

Type 1
The artist who walks in armed with two backpacks full of Nurofen, a tube of Berocca up each sleeve, and a flask of herbal concoction from the Far East. They will crave your indulgence after each take to check that you didn’t want a horse-sounding delivery stating “There's definitely something going round”, but you suspect he / she might actually have just stayed up all night clubbing in Ibiza before jumping on a 5.50am flight back to Luton.

Type 2
The artist who seemed ok on the way in, but is now glassy-eyed and wet of cheek. Worry not; it's nothing you've said. They're bound to be The Vegan Who Silently Weeps whilst voicing your hamburger chain campaign... Don’t tell Morrissey.

Type 3
The 40-year-old FVO who looks so much older than her publicity shot that you don't recognise her. The worry-lines are from being hugely in debt to the vocal osteopath; every day she's asked to voice tiny children (“we just need a dozen RP 4-year-old girl and boy voices, please; make sure they're all different. Light coming!”).

Type 4
The guy who really wants you to know he has a movie coming out in the spring: “End of day two, and I'm Facebook friends with Tom Hanks and Colin Firth, can you believe that?” It's hard to tell whether he's flirting with you or with his own reflection in the sound booth window.

Type 5
The guy who wants you to know he can do EVERY the world: “Could I just try it again, and I'll give you three in a row: South Shields, Lanarkshire borders, and Isle of Wight” (All you needed him to say was “Toshiba”).

Type 6
The MVO who, after insisting on shaking everybody's hand (cue awkward pulling in of chairs as he snakes his way round the tiny control-room), announces he's got 'flu. That “light, gentle tone” which the client had their heart set on, today sounds more like Barry White on a hangover.

Type 7
The pristine voice actor whose velvety tones are everything you hoped for and more. This campaign for the new Renault Rialto featuring animated footage of Roger Rabbit is going to be fabulous...until you realise he can't say his “R”s. (A rapid review of his voice demo reveals that it avoided any R-words. Playing to his strengths?)


Of course you won’t find any of these delightful examples at Loud and Clear Voices.

Agony Jim: The Parable of the Noble Spark

February 6, 2014 / Humour

By Jim Watkins

Veteran producer and sage cum digital native Jim Watkins solves your advertising conundra.

Illustration ©  Zoe More O'Ferrall


Dear Jim,

Too often in this business you only hear complaints. As a corrective, I wanted to share with your readers a memorable and heartening experience I had with the electrical department on a recent shoot.

At lunch on the second day, due a series of events that I won’t go into here, the wardrobe lady caught fire. Fortunately a Spark was on hand. Without so much as tracking down his Gaffer to request instructions, he rushed to the rescue - slowly folding his newspaper, standing and stretching a crick in his neck before walking at a leisurely pace towards a nearby fire extinguisher as the blazing costumier wheeled and howled like a flaming dervish.

I saw this act of heroism with my own eyes on the (frankly gruesome) CCTV footage.

It was only on arriving at the extinguisher some minutes later that the electrician tragically realised he didn’t have his gloves, rendering it impossible for him to ‘work’.

Undeterred by this seemingly impassible obstacle, our hero sent a text message to another member of the department, and after some time spent waiting for a reply and then searching underneath the discarded Greggs bags on the dashboard of the lighting truck, the gloves were located.

Sadly, this was too late to save the costume designer, but in a show of profoundly moving solidarity for their fallen colleague, the electrical department remained behind to sweep up her charred remains at a reduced overtime rate of time and a half.

A triumph of the human spirit I’m sure you’ll agree.

Yours in teary-eyed reverie,
Zachary J. Frond


Dear Zachary,

An interesting account. You don’t say what your question is, should I assume it’s “what is the correct overtime rate for trying to put out a combustible woman?” This is a grey area, which to you means uncertainty but to a spark spells creativity. I certainly don’t think you can just pay them time and a half and leave with your knackers intact though.

I’m not fully up on these kind of details- or the detail of anything to be fair- I leave that to my executive assistant and personal wellness coach. So I asked her, who asked a production assistant, who asked the spark he identified as the most congenial to reasoned argument, Fraser “Mad Dog” McDuff for his view.

Mad Dog asserted that under section 35 of The Way Things Used To Work In The 1960’s document that governs such matters, the spark concerned is entitled to triple time, plus time off the clock and overtime at the Doctors plus a share of the hypothetical future earnings of the lady they near saved. So he is looking for around £5k. Pay up or the lights will go out!

Yours in commercials,